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Thank you so much for being here and taking some time to read my newsletter!
I’m slowly coming out of a Winter season where I have been more ideating than physically creating anything. There have been so many things I have wanted to respond to, and yet my responses have been internal grievances that have then turned into scary conversations to help me move forward.
Sometimes, the self-advocacy we must do for our overall well-being is deeply private and intimate. That can feel crunchy.
I am feeling hints of Spring starting to show up and, in turn, sensing myself wanting to be more out in the world again.
My body sharply reminds me I can’t do it all. I had doctor’s appointments three days in a row. I had an MRI that made me sick.
The following day, I received news that a cyst hadn’t returned to my brain, and I felt relief, only to then go to physical therapy to manage new pain in my body the next day.
There are additional new rules to be in my body. New patterns I have to memorize to help me feel less physical pain.
My body carries so much, and for years, I would deeply avoid what it carried in a physical capacity. I suppressed so much, and now I am on the lifelong journey of learning to be present in my body.
There have been many beautiful things about me becoming more aware of being in my body, such as discovering myself being Non-Binary, practicing meditation, and enjoying working out.
Then, there are the exhausting parts. The exhausting parts were the reasons I had tried to suppress the feelings in my body for so long, not directly because of *me,* but rather because of my outer world.
My Disabled body never felt like mine for a good 27 years of my life. Growing up in my body looked like seeing multiple doctors a day; these doctors were touching me and using metal tools to stretch my body without my full consent.
As a child, they’d examine me in their office, and then when I was out in the world, I would notice that strangers would “examine” (stare, gawk, laugh) me too.
I keep getting tested when it comes to cultivating presence in my body. The exhausting parts continue to come back to the forefront and I do my best to sit with it instead of run away. I get misgendered and I do my best to correct people instead of disassociate.
Something I love about being Non-Binary is that, for me, it asks me to be more intentional.
It asks me to be deeply present and it asks those around me to be so as well.
This presence isn’t only necessary for my pronouns, but it’s necessary for my access needs as a Disabled person as well.
We sometimes can so quickly move through the day without intention.
We might assume gender.
We might assume that everyone has the same capacity.
We might assume someone is non-disabled if we aren’t visibly seeing something indicating Disability.
But what if we took a pause before assuming who we are encountering?
To be present in my body is to accept the physical pain I navigate, to help alleviate it.
To be present is to acknowledge the varying layers I hold with my gender.
To be present is to be aware of my biases and how that impacts how I interact with others.
This presence also asks me to advocate for myself and correct myself accordingly when I mess up.
My body asks me and others to be intentional. I know though, that our world at large doesn’t. When I name my access needs, that is a call for others’ to be intentional about how they interact with my body. When I name my pronouns, that is a call for others’ to be intentional about how they interact with me.
Being present can be uncomfortable, and yet, so can the act of love. Our consistent presence with others’ is an act of love.
What does being present in your body look like for you?
How can that presence help you connect more intimately with the world around you?
How can that presence support you when you need to implement new patterns as you age?
How are your biases blocking you from accepting the truths of other people?
Four things for you
Eliza Crofts is facilitating April’s Community Art Making at Charis with a Fungi Drawing Workshop.
Help Beverly, a Black Disabled elder get a new wheel chair, please support her if you can
Really appreciate this Instagram post from idha_nyc.
As always, thank you so much for taking the time to read my newsletter, and I look forward to sharing things with you soon! Please feel free to comment on this post and share anything connected with you, to a loved one, or on social media if you wish to do so. My Instagram tag is @barryleeart. I hope that you are staying safe and well. <3