Settling into euphoria, in a dysphoric time.

"Traditions are made to be broken"

Image description: An illustration of an abstract character with four arms holding various faces. Some faces are on the ground, broken. There are trees behind the character. “Believe in your capacity to change as many times as you wish!” is handwritten at the bottom of the Illustration.

The intensity of this country has been heavy on my heart, and on the other side of this intensity, I have been feeling more euphoria in my body as a Non-Binary person than ever before. It’s a surreal place to be. I am actively supported and encouraged by people in my community, and I see others wanting to tear that support and encouragement apart. I think a lot about the Lorenza Böttner exhibition I saw last year in New York with my partner and my friend Graham. As I looked at the photos from that time the other day, I saw this piece of writing she wrote from the exhibition. It felt resonate with the times that we are living in.

Image description: A photograph of an excerpt from a paper typed out by Lorenza, that reads “Traditions are made to be broken: Don’t warm me of morals--that has no effect. If I can shock you, Well, that’s my idea” , If I excite you a bit, better yet. You know , some people can accept me as I am. Because I can show them things. They never seen before. If you are not afraid. . . Don’t be afraid. . .”

When I saw the exhibition last year, I felt such a strong connection to her experience that it left me speechless. It was affirming. I hadn’t witnessed a Trans Disabled narrative that mirrored so much of my own feelings and personal experience before. It was an affirmation of the need to create work that continues to cultivate representation & awareness. The more I feel euphoria in my body as a Non-Binary person, the more I am gifted with memories from my childhood and young adulthood that give me clues as to who I fully stepped into.

I remember one time in Elementary school when a classmate told me that her stepmother was named “Barry,” and I thought it was so amazing to share that name with her.

I remember getting mad that when I requested a “Barbie” happy-meal toy, I got a “Ken.”

I would always play dress-up with the girls in my neighborhood, wearing their clothes with no shame.

I didn’t have any words for “Non-Binary” growing up at all.

I still thought I could exist as “male” if I came out as Queer. In college, I would overcompensate for my “masculine” appearance by dressing in blazers almost every day. I still felt such discomfort presenting in that way, and anytime someone would refer to me as a boy, my stomach would feel sick (and still does.)

I would later come to the understanding this was gender dysphoria. It wasn’t until seeing other folks coming out and sharing their stories that I began to understand my identity more. It took me taking off so many “masks” to reveal myself as Non-Binary.

Peeling so many layers. So many past versions of myself. So many detours. It took witnessing other people’s stories and experiences to witness more of myself and to feel less isolated.

Growing up, I witnessed firsthand others trying to get me to fit into molds to make things easier or more palatable for them versus inventing new molds or relying on alternatives that would involve more work on Non-Disabled people’s ends to make things easier for me regarding my access needs as a Disabled person. I see how these molds wore off in time, such as being conditioned to rely solely on my hearing aid to communicate with others versus having the opportunity to learn sign language or, more simply, being conditioned as a “boy.”

After everything that happened to me in November, as I have been recovering these last six months, I have found myself closer to knowing the feelings of being in my body than ever before. I feel euphoric at a time when others may not want me to be, and yet the events that occurred last year for me highlighted my own need to be at my full authenticity versus just shying around it or diving into molds that others have forced on me. To be Disabled is to break a mold already. To be Trans & Non-Binary is to break a mold as well.

My whole existence breaks molds, and I am so glad it does.

My continuous hope in sharing all of this is to make sure others aren’t alone in their experiences. As I shared in the post after seeing Lorenza’s work:

If you are making work about your experiences, in whatever form that looks like for you, please keep making that work and preserving it for others to see. You really never know when your work may one day deeply positively impact someone else.