Accepting where I'm at
when things don't always pan out the way I wish
Welcome to “Portal Hopping,” my mostly-monthly newsletter where I write about art, Disability and other things that rise to the surface of my heart.
I just got home from an extended road trip with my partner to promote their new children’s book via a book tour. We traveled along the Northeast, visiting various book stores and seeing all kinds of art, loved ones, and nature. As we kept going up north, I felt like I was escaping the heat of Georgia. I’m now sweating outside of a coffee shop in Atlanta as I write this. Bittersweet.
I talk openly about times in my own artistic career where things didn’t work out. Primarily because I want to address that these things happen, so that other artists may not feel as alone. A few years ago, I was asked to illustrate a children’s book by a major publisher. I ended up getting an agent with a children’s book agency and started extensive talks. The talks swiftly changed, though, when the publishing house refused to remove a clause in the contract stating that there would be use of AI for training using my work or editing my work with AI. Thankfully, my agent pointed this out and tried to advocate for me, but the publisher wouldn’t simply promise not to tamper with my work using AI.
I was bummed. This was my first real opportunity at illustrating a children’s book, and there were moments of second-guessing whether staying true to my values was worth it for the sake of “exposure.” I believe that no matter how much we try to stay in our own integrity, we can still get swayed into ideas that are truly false to our way of moving in the world. Sometimes, we don’t have a choice but to stray from our beliefs to make ends meet. I took a huge financial gamble denying the project. AI was the line, though, for me. I stayed true to myself and declined the book offer. As we traveled, my partner gave readings at various bookstores. I started seeing a book with a familiar title, and then I realized that this was the book I had declined.
I didn’t look in the book to read it or see the illustrations. I just acknowledged it was there.
I had mixed feelings about this. The main feeling I had, though, was how bummed I was that another artist would subject themselves to what I had refused. I had to remind myself, though, that my line in the sand wasn’t this artist’s line in the sand.
When I declined the book offer, I thought I wouldn’t have a chance to start illustrating children’s books. Earlier this year, though, I accepted an offer to illustrate one that felt more aligned with me. I’m actively working on the book now.
It’s moments like these that I have to remind myself that opportunities will come, even if they’re not the opportunities you initially envisioned. Trusting this takes so much practice and a lot of error.
I am still in this practice daily.
If you are in Atlanta, Georgia, I will be selling lots of sliding scale things at the SFQP Fest Market on Saturday, June 28th. Since I no longer run an online print shop and this is my only market I am participating in, it’s the only chance left this year to get prints from me.
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