Getting closer to my integrity

Being okay with things being incomplete or delayed

Image Description: An illustration of a snail standing on some grass in front of a pond of fish. The snail is holding a sunshine-shaped face. Little stars are in the sky and a tree is in the distance. “Embrace your pace!” is handwritten on the top of the illustration.

It’s been about 6 months since my health scare in November. As I continue to come back to a pace that feels familiar again, I told many of my loved ones that I felt as if I was this piece of chewing gum that somebody had been gnawing at for several months and just spit me out suddenly onto the pavement, left just to be out in the world again.

A lot is changing on a collective level, and it feels overwhelming. I look locally at what’s happening to the city I love, and I feel some sadness. The sadness doesn’t erase my hope, but it does ask me to sit with what my own integrity looks like regarding how I show up in the world.

Last year I experienced instances where I was working with people who claimed to be of integrity but showed more urgency and disregard when it boiled down to my Disabled body needing more abrupt immediate care. It was disheartening.

Image Description: A screen capture of a Tweet by Adam Fare that reads “Dilemma of being disabled, do you: 1. Act “fine” so that you seem “normal” but people then doubt you’re actually disabled? 2. Act how you really feel, but then people call you “negative,” invalidate you, or dehumanise you?

I’m moving slowly as I edit my podcast and struggle with audio malfunctions from the interview. Part of me wants to spend hours editing this episode to create something pristine, while another part of me wants to share the mistake. The only person pressuring me to make this podcast perfect is myself. The only person pressuring me to make this podcast something that is “every week” is myself. If I embrace my own integrity, though, I accept the flaws. I accept my capacity. I accept slowness. I continue to look back at how much pressure I felt to conform and fit into boxes that I don’t fit into, nor will I ever do so, and how little that pressure actually helped me.

In being with my integrity, I also embrace the need to pivot. I decided this week to have the podcast I’m making be a monthly share versus a weekly or bi-weekly one, where I release a new podcast episode every month on the 21st of that said month. It gives me time to edit the audio-to-text transcripts that honor accessibility. This allows me to take my time editing the shows amidst my other freelance projects, and it allows me to be honest overall about my own capacity.

I remember years ago, before the pandemic started, I began another podcast project that ultimately withered away due to self-inflicted pressures on top of navigating deep depression and changes in my friendships. There might be a chance I pick that project up again, but I sit now, being okay that the project was left unfinished. Projects and plans go unfinished; sometimes, we want to see through things, but outside forces have other plans.

Our integrity is unique to ourselves, and it takes time to flourish. The road to cultivating our own integrity can be messy, and sometimes we do have to veer in a different direction just to get back to alignment.

Being with the theme of integrity this past week, I put together some questions for you to sit with, whether through writing or drawing, or just general contemplating.

• What does integrity look like for you?

• Are you living a life based on others’ ideas of integrity or your own?

• What steps can you take to bring yourself closer to what integrity looks like for you?