Choosing rest over creating "public awareness"

A “damn, I am really in this Disabled body” moment

Welcome to my newsletter! This is a place where I share art, writings, and what inspires me. This newsletter is free, with the option to become a paid subscriber for $5 a month. Your paid subscription plays a hand in helping me to continue to create work as a freelance artist.

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The tier will also give you access to an exclusive podcast that is called “HeART TALKS,” a show I host, produce and write, where I talk to people who deeply inspire me, and I share various offerings with them, including the first proper peek of my 40-card illustrated Oracle Deck called “Gentle Reminders,” which will be published in 2023! More information on this deck will be in your January newsletters and on the podcast itself when it launches!

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Image Description: An illustration I drew of a slug on a patch of grass, with two faces and their arms up. There are some stars on the slug’s body, one of the faces of the slug has its eyes closed, and the other face has its eyes open. Both of the faces of the slug are smiling. The slug has two antennas with stars attached to them. Behind the slug on the patch of grass are two trees with faces; the trees have hands (acting as branches.) They are holding hands. The tree on the left has its eyes closed, while the tree on the right has its eyes open. There are stars and clouds in the sky. A couple of stars are on the patch of grass as well. Below the snail, “Rest when you can, forgive yourself when you can’t!” is handwritten. My Instagram handle @barryleeart is also handwritten at the bottom right of the drawing.

I am writing this on December 3rd, “World Disabilities Day,” and I am unsure if this will be posted on the day or not. After recovering from my recent brain procedures, I’m trying to figure out a new pace. “You’ll really have to be moving slower now, huh??” my therapist asked me during our last session as I told her about what had happened over the previous few weeks. I sit today, on a day aimed to bring awareness about Disabled folks, conflicted on whether I should rush this post for the sake of “sharing” on the day that this would be most resonant or if I should take my time. I keep leaning toward the approach of taking my time. Taking my time feels the most accessible and stays true to my current access needs. Even as a person who meditates often and tries to start their days with slowness and intention, I know I don’t always live all day at that desired pace.

You probably have gathered that I did some time hopping and listening to my body and moved slowly in putting together this entry. I’ve been moving between waves of extreme tiredness and wanting to get back to how things were for me in terms of my overall capacity to do things. I have been surrounded by many more people than usual these last several days, which is exhausting for me, but at the same time, I’m so grateful to be surrounded by so much loving care. I can be a hermit sometimes, so it’s been a little tough to figure out how to straddle a new line after what happened. I have also been getting back into my freelance work, which has been nice, yet I am still moving at a pace that is asking for more time and grace from my clients. I am thankful to have received so much understanding of how I am moving and recovering. It’s vulnerable to share what’s been going on and ask for extensions for projects, space from people, and patience when responding to a loved one. It pays off when my boundaries and needs are responded to with pivots that help everyone move forward more easily. This is why I choose to be open about me being Disabled. Being open about my health only shows more of my humanity, helps me create better boundaries, and helps me become more conscious in my body.

Image Description: A photograph of a small wooden case of three steps with rails in the physical therapy office. A small laminated yellow sign that reads “ready for use” is hung at the top of the three steps.

I am teetering between the lines of old and new ways of living. Atlanta has been rainy and cloudy these past few days, helping me rest and recover. It’s been lovely being back at home versus in the Hospital. I have been reflecting a lot on what’s been happening as I’ve been recovering, and it’s wild when our bodies finally catch up after constant need. The other day I was sitting and realized, “wait, I had a subdural hematoma?” I am adapting to the changes in my body with its new scars and their soreness as they heal. In this process of adapting, I also started physical therapy to help my body regain balance when walking after the procedures I underwent.

This year has been rough medically for me. I started it off with dental surgery, then my hearing aid broke, and then this occurred. This isn’t by any means a “woe is me” sort of thing; it’s more of a “damn, I am really in this Disabled body” moment. I’ve mentioned this before, but for so long, I used to ignore my Disabled body, partially because I was so dissociative. I didn’t know how to be in my body; frankly, the pitfalls that’d show up when I was in presence didn’t always make me want to be in my body. I grew up in Hospitals and around doctors as a child.

There were moments when I’d feel nostalgia moving through this past medical emergency, thinking about the times I had surgeries as a child. I was transported back in time. There were moments, too, though, where I was just frustrated. This time I could communicate my pain or discomfort. This time, I could be able to voice things versus just trying to please doctors.

I’m listening to my body and the alarms it is sounding off. Not only am I listening, but I am also grieving. Grieving the things that were not communicated that had shed to light. Processing what’s been hidden and how to move forward from that to live a life where I properly take care of my body’s needs.

Truly recognizing that I’m Nonbinary & Disabled showed me how I can be in my body and why I should strive to work on continuing to be in it. Being in any sort of presence isn’t easy, especially when you’re in pain. On the flip side, being present also can mean having the awareness to give yourself the care you need when and if you are in any kind of pain. Even with the pain, I turn to art. I draw and write things to help me process what’s been happening.

Image Description: A little flag made of cloth that is located in my workspace by artist Sarah Day that says, “Cut Yourself Some Fucking Slack, K?” in multicolored bubble letters. You can order these here!

Art, whether creating or consuming, continues to lead and calm me down. I have so many art pieces in my workspace that give me joy and remind me to slow down. I also create work to remind myself and others to do the same. Creating these pieces with calming messages is often one of my self-soothing in times of stress or lack of safety.

For me, being in my body asks me to work toward getting my needs met when I feel discomfort or lack of safety. That can look like asking for medical help, getting rest when needed, correcting folks who misgender me, asking somebody to repeat themselves in case my hearing aid didn’t catch what was being said, or asking for general assistance with everyday tasks that I can’t always fulfill.

Being in a body is vulnerable, and can feel even more vulnerable when we communicate discomfort. I feel a little shaken by what happened just a few weeks ago. I’ve been collecting myself as best as I can. Community continues to show up, and I acknowledge that my openness about me being Disabled, despite the deeply vulnerable place it puts me in at times, leads me to receive grace from others. It’s not always been this way, and I know that I’ll interact with others who won’t get the scope of what I navigate living as I am. I’d rather be vulnerable and try than “tough it out” only to regret not being my true self.

Mia Mingus @miamingus

Things are not as urgent as we think they are. I remember those 2 almost-fatal car accidents when my entire life had to shut down. And the world continued and everything was fine. I think back to all the many times life happened and capitalist work was forced to wait.

Winter solstice is right around the corner, and this season is always slow in nature and daily life. I loved this tweet from Mia Mingus and felt it truly resonated in regard to what I am moving through. My world will continue and is continuing. I can’t be in a rush to continue it, even if I feel pressure to do so based on systems outside of me. I am deeply grateful that my openness is received with so much love. I am sending so much love to you in return.

Four Things For You!

1. Please take some time to check out Bitter Southerner’s piece, “The Forest for the Trees,” which talks about the continuous efforts to Stop Cop City here in Atlanta, Georgia.

2. princesa_kata

   

   A post shared by Kat (@princesa_kata)

   This was a helpful reminder, image description is included in the Instagram post but the post reads: “Tender grief reminder: Desiring solitude as you process doesn’t always equate to isolating yourself and feeling lonely. It’s okay to want space from others while you tend to your feelings.”

3. “'My Life Is in My Caregivers' Hands': Disability Advocate Alice Wong's Vision for a New Approach to Health Care”

4. If you haven’t already, please watch the lovely documentary “Crip Camp” below is the trailer. It’s currently available for FREE on Youtube, where you can watch it here.

Self Promotional Things

Image Description: A graphic featuring four of my art prints against a white background. Print 1 (top left) - An illustration of two abstract characters holding another abstracted character. The abstracted character that they are holding has three holes in them, where three separate characters pop out. The three characters are touching the abstract character that they are coming out of lovingly. The held abstracted character has two sets of eyes, noses, and smiling mouths. Various stars are on its body and the bodies of the other abstracted characters. In the illustration, “Nurture the home within yourself,” is written by hand. Print 2 (top right) - An illustration I drew of an abstracted character flying in a sky surrounded by floating faces. The abstract character has their hands lifted toward a hole in the sky, where they are entering into. The hole has stars and circles, acting almost like it’s a portal for the flying character. Some stars are on the character, as well as a large face with closed eyes. There is an eye on each one of the two hands of the flying character, they are both open eyes. The text in the illustration is handwritten and reads, “I Don’t Need to Arrive at a Lesson after every traumatic event that occurs” Print 3 (bottom left) -An Illustration of an abstract character with arms and legs leaping in front of some mountains. The character has a head that is the shape of a star, and inside the star is a circle where their face is smiling, and their eyes are closed. Two eyes are also placed on the star shape outside of the circle. The character is reaching out to the sky as an identical star character peeks out on the sky facing the reaching figure. This character also has a star-shaped head, their eyes are open, and they are smiling. Their hand is reaching down to the figure, where the hand reaching down has an open eye on it. Various stars, some with faces and some without, sprinkle down from the sky into the arms of the character in the foreground. These stars don’t have bodies attached to them. Clouds are in the sky, and “Let loving curiosity connect you to the world around you!” is written in the sky. Print 4 (bottom right) - An illustration of an abstract character sitting on the ground with two eyes closed and a third eye above the closed eyes that is open. The character is bald and shirtless with pants on, holding a flower character with a face that has its eyes closed, smiling. The abstract character is smiling as well. The character holding the flower is surrounded by multiple flower characters that are around the same size as them. Below the character is a stream with fish swimming in it. “Sometimes we need to sit in the now, not the next!” is handwritten on the illustration.

I updated my website AND put prints for purchase on my shop! I’m slowly adding new pieces as prints, including stuff from previous newsletters. Don’t see a piece you’ve been wanting? Please let me know, and I can do a custom order for you. Your feedback helps me figure out what prints should be in the shop and your support of my shop directly helps me continue to live as a freelance artist!

I was interviewed by my friend Sarah, and we chatted a lot about Disability things, including the importance of folks seeing Disabled people as Disabled and chatted about how healing making and viewing art can be.

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As always, thank you so much for taking the time to read my newsletter, and I look forward to sharing things with you soon! Please feel free to comment on this post and share anything connected with you, to a loved one, or on social media if you wish to do so. My Instagram tag is @barryleeart. I hope that you are staying safe and well. <3